illicit affairs

 Dear Reader,

    I believe to understand fully we need to do plenty of backstory about what this means to me. If you’ve ever known me, you know I’m a Swiftie. I am fully invested in Ms. Swift and all of her incredible lyrics. There is this one song that has intrigued me since it came out called, Illicit Affairs. This song is about the excruciating pain that is the sneaky love between someone that is infatuated with the other person but they want to keep them a secret. Interesting, I know. Now this topic isn’t exactly one that all are familiar with but its an interesting one when we talk about the journey I have been on. Dear reader, can you believe anyone would ever want to keep me a secret! 

    I grew up not taking care of myself and this fitness, wellness and health journey has not only brought up feelings of worth and satisfaction with the work I’m putting in but also the feelings and trauma that has come from the past as well as with growing up the undesireable. When I say undesireable I mean not conventionally attractive, or not fitting into the stereotypical categories that society had deemed for us. Thank god I’m perfect now, right! 

    So, now knowing my backstory think about you first love or a boy has finally looked your way with intention, speaking from my grade-nine brain, its thrilling. I believe that the action of being the secret to my partners has made me so hyper-aware, or sensitive, to the perception of others. Listening to these lyrics not only reminds me of my history of boys that were so afraid of letting people know they wanted to love freely but also my family trauma in relation to body image issues, we can save that for another print…its juicy. 

    I have now come out the other side of this tunnel of being the secret but I remember it all too well…see what I did there, T-Swift reference in case you missed it. I wanted to write about my experience with this song because it really does encapsulate what this feels like. It’s interesting to look back on my childhood and the development of my character, the way I love and want to be loved, and understand that all of these experiences really have narrowed down the acception of a pure love. 

    So, these Illicit Affairs begin as something nice and beautiful and often ended in a hot dumpster fire.

    I wonder often that if I didn’t decide to change my life and see what it would be like to try, for once,  if I would still be able to live my life as blissfully unaware of the harm and trauma that has been inflicted. 

Look at this idiotic fool you made me, you taught me a secret language that I cant speak with anyone else, and you know damn well, for you I would ruin myself a million little times.

                                                                            Taylor Swift (Illicit Affairs)

    I believe that now, reflecting, not only did I let myself be treated as though I was nothing, is I thought I deserved it, and I let it happen. That guilt that perhaps if now I could go back and stand up for that girl that was so scared that she would never be loved, its very consuming. I wonder constantly, if truly all of the adversity was necessary to my development. All the hurt that I remember she experienced. Was it worth it? I guess so, because here I am, but was it truly necessary, the illicit affairs, I have to believe it was.

    On that note, dear reader, I am on my way to the gym and had a thought that needed validated and appreciated. 

Thank you for your time.

And dont forget to love your body through the journey.

Love,

Danielle

@strongwithdanielle